Have you ever received a favor from someone that did it with so much ease and joy, that you were touched more by how they were doing it, then what they were doing?
This is what it can be like to be the receiver of what I call, someones overflow. It’s when the other person is coming from a place of abundance and authenticity and no matter how small the act, the amount of quality attention they pour into it, moves us.
Truly Giving Of Ourselves
Last week I wrote about how when we give from our reserves instead of our overflow, we are no longer giving authentically of our time or attention. In doing for others while feeling tired and on empty, we are vulnerable to becoming grumps or even worse martyrs and who does that serve?
But what event leads us to situations like these?
How do we get ourselves into a situation where we’re doing something for others while on our last leg of energy?
I’ll tell you…we held back a “no” and instead gave a “yes”.
Yes Can Lead To Chaos
While the word no’ may be hard for some of us to say because we don’t want to seem rude, un-thoughtful or uncaring, what’s truly hard is to take on more than we can handle and make the rest of our lives chaotic. I know for me in the past, this this chaos has shown up as broken commitments that are crucial to the smooth running of my everyday life. For example agreeing to squeeze in running an errand for a friend that I know will cut into the only time I have to make dinner and do a load of laundry. Another example is agreeing to go out of my way to help a coworker that sets me back on my own work deadline. Once or twice is fine, but when it happens consistently, life is unnecessarily …chaotic
Yes’ Can Make Us Sick
Worse then that, if continually feeling more obligated to others then to the quality of our life doesn’t make us physically sick, this dynamic can certainly feel like an emotional cancer.
We Can Be Good People And Say No’
Saying yes when we mean no I’ve learned, is many times motivated by wanting to people please. Nothing is wrong with wanting to please the people we love, the people that matter to us. There is something wrong with doing it in such a way that jeopardizes our own time of replenishment. There is something wrong with tieing up our own worth as a person, to how much we are doing for others
Resources For You!
Overcoming the need to please by saying no is a necessary skill in maintaining our long term self care. It’s so important I’ve written about this topic 4 times and made 2 fun infographics about it. Today I’m gathering these up for you in one post and listing them below along with other great resources on the power of NO.
1.A No’ Technique
Here is a post about a technique I picked up from working with children I called the “sandwich no” in which you sandwich your no between two positives like appreciation, thanks and or alternative resources
2.A No’ Technique Visual Reminder
Below is a fun visual reminder I made on how to carry out a sandwich no.
You can download it here!
3.Saying No’ Strengthens our Self Care Conviction
This post is about how saying no’ strengthens our conviction, trust in ourselves and our our wellbeing .
4. Protecting Whats Precious
Here is a post on how I realized saying no helps us protect the precious things in our lives that feed us and support all that’s good in our lives.
5.How Saying No’ Builds Resilience
This is a post on how allowing myself to receive my own self care over time, gave me the resilience to withstand the initial discomfort of weathering people’s backlash when I began to say no.
6. People Pleasing= Emotional Junk Food
Below is a fun infographic in which I compare people pleasing to consuming junk food and saying no as emotionally nourishing.
7. No’ And Our Identity
Here is a fascinating article on the New York Times about how the way we say no shows how we define ourselves as people and why it’s important
8.No At Work
Here is a great article from Fast Company on the importance of saying no at work
9. More Research on The Power Of No
Here is an informative article from the Guardian on the power of saying no with interesting research
10.People Pleasing Being Tied To Our Self Worth And Fear Of Rejection
Here is a thoughtful post from the Tiny Buddha on how saying no relates to our self worth and fear of rejection.
Making Space For What Builds Us Up
Saying no to things we do not want to do, lays the foundation for creating space in our schedule for the things that fortify us, build us up, work with our strengths and increase the good in our life. While saying yes might increase the chances that people will “like” us, saying no creates respect and value.
What is your experience around protecting your self care by saying the word no?
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Sending you love, a reminder to take care of yourself and a big thank you for stopping by!